Random #139

‘… this is how I am when I’m scared. It’s unfamiliar to you, but not to me. I can – I can fucking be scared – and carry on’

– Tommy Shelby

Random #133

“So we shall let the reader answer this question for himself: who is the happier man, he who has braved the storm of life and lived or he who has stayed securely on shore and merely existed?”

– Hunter S. Thompson

Miss Independent

Why don’t you actually help me

She said

Instead of standing there like a prick

Perhaps if you actually involved me

He said

I wouldn’t feel like such a dick

If You Like

Stitch my wounds, if you like
I want to feel the pain
Don't call me a silly girl
For I'll only do it again

Ask me why, if you like
But you will never understand
The need, the comfort, the urgency
Those scissors close at hand

Leave me here, if you like
Walk away if you dare
Just remember I never asked for your help
Or your tender loving care

Forget I exist, if you like
It will not bother me one bit
For I'll always have my trusty blade
And carry my own first aid kit

(Originally Posted 08.04.2019)

Queen

Even though

It’s still a shit show

It must go on,

I suppose

(Originally Posted 22.03.2019)

Shaking Spears

‘When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions ‘

‘Tell me about it, my friend, that’s why we deserve fucking medallions’

‘This Is The End…’

Imagine
what you
could
achieve

He
said

If only
you just
tried
harder

I’ve
done all
I can
to stay
alive

She
said

I can’t
possibly
go any
farther

Quicksand

I’ve
no
idea

How
I got
in

But
I know
I can’t

Get
out

There’s
no one
here

To
lend
a hand

Or
act
upon

My
shout

Deceit

Lying to
myself
is bad
enough

But
lying
to you
hurts
more

But
there’s
no way
I could
be truthful

That’s
for
fucking
sure

Locked Down

I
don’t
know
about
you

But
I can
certainly
say
for
me

That
this
is
definitely
not

Like
I thought
it
would
be

The Anniversary

It will
soon be
a year,
without
you here,
and I
don’t
know
what
to do.

For I’m
still
nowhere
near,
facing
my fear,
or the
reality
of losing
you.

Xxx

Hand Luggage

This weight
is too heavy

Its burden
is too great

Yet I struggle
on regardless

Resigned
to my fate

Not Today

No-one can shield me,
from this pain within.

Nothing can soothe me,
now the rot has set in.

The Struggle

When you see me, you see the finished article.

Washed, dressed, hair in place, make up on and a smile on my face.

But you don’t see what it takes to get there.

You don’t see me trying to muster the strength to open my eyes in the morning.

You don’t see me forcing my weary bones out of bed.

You don’t see me berating myself as I sob in the shower.

You don’t see me looking in the mirror as I question whether or not today is the day.

You don’t see me wracked with indecision on what to wear.

You don’t see me soothing my pain as I twist and pull out my hair.

You don’t see me apply make up in the hope it makes me disappear.

You don’t see me riddled with anxiety as I lurk in the doorway.

You don’t see me breathing deeply before finally pushing open the office door.

When you see me, you see the finished article.

But just because you don’t see the struggle, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Just because you see me smile, it doesn’t mean it’s real.

How I look, is not how I feel.

Options

I am amazed, yet again, that I’ve found the courage to get out of bed.

You have no idea how hard it is.

This sustained internal struggle.

The conscious effort required to motivate myself to move.

The strength of belief needed to convince my anxious brain that we can get through the day unscathed.

It’s exhausting.

If only I could return to the naivety of the past.

Travel back to a time when sadness was mere affectation.

Where melancholy was a comforting friend.

And death wasn’t such a viable option.

Please

If this is all there is,

then who are you

to tell me no?

You have no idea,

how hard this is

so please, just let me go.

For You

I’ll smile today, for you.
But I won’t mean it.

I’ll laugh today, for you.
But I won’t feel it.

I’ll fake it every day, for you.
But you’ll never know it.

Conflict

I laughed today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

I cried today.
Hard.
Tears ran down my face,
Dizziness overtook me as my muscles ached from the strain,
And I thought I’d never breathe deeply again.

As I soldier on,
as best I can,
the simultaneous existence
of conflicting emotions,
slowly kills me.

The Meaning of Life

Half laughing at some shit joke

Badly told by some prick you can't stand

One eye trained on the nearest exit

But too scared to take your hand

And run

 

Immovable

It’s like wading through a swamp. Trying to drag your limbs from quicksand. Pushing against an invisible wall, a colossal weight strapped to your back. Everything takes so much longer. So many hours are lost. Motivation is impossible to muster. Action comes only in waves. Trivial tasks are insurmountable and nothing makes sense.

I’ve become physically, mentally and emotionally immovable.

Please, send help.

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