Where Else?

I know

It comes across

Like I am rapacious

Between the sheets

But believe me

When I say

My tongue is firmly

In my cheek

Headfuckery

I dreamt
About you
This afternoon
For only
The second time

Then
As I woke up
The silence sent
It’s shivers
Down my spine

Xxx

Mirage

We meet again

And my heart soars

But only in my dreams

Then my heart breaks

All over again

To find all is not as it seems

Fuck You Death

Fuck you death

She said

You really don’t scare me

That’s what you all say

He said

But through your lies I see

‘It’s still early days…’

I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s Saturday.

Saturdays have become the most difficult day since you’ve gone. Saturdays mean at least forty hours must pass before I can go to work and have something to distract my mind from this impenetrable sadness. I count the days in my head. Thirteen weeks. You died thirteen weeks ago today.

I push Harry off the bed and turn onto my side. I pull the duvet around my neck and scrunch up my eyes, trying to block out the daylight seeping in from the window. If I can just go back to sleep, even for a little while, at least I won’t have to face being alone with my thoughts. I try hard to think of nice things and to drift off back to sleep.

Of course, it is to no avail. Apart from the fact that my toes are poking out from the bottom of the bed and are in danger of being shred to ribbons by a predatory Harry: I need a piss.

With a heavy sigh I sit up. Carefully, keeping the duvet around my neck to ward off the impending chill, I hunt around the bed for the remote control and turn on the TV. I’m amazed at how reliant I have become on this screen. It’s on more often than off now – the inane chatter of random talk shows preferable to the otherwise morbid silence.

When Harry’s cute (but really fucking annoying) meowing finally becomes too much to bear, I haul myself out of bed. Pulling on yesterdays t-shirt and joggers from the floor I walk through to the kitchen. Harry weaves in and out of my legs causing a near catastrophe more than once. I look in his dish – little bastard still has half a meal left from last night. There was no need for him to wake me up at all.

He’s a poor wee thing though. He’s been finding it hard too, since you died. He doesn’t like being alone much either. I top up his food and water bowl and he tucks in appreciatively. I give him a pat and head to the bathroom.

As I move my hands in and out of the tap water I examine my face in the mirror. Just look at the fucking state of me. At thirty eight I’m not exactly in the prime of my life, but still, really?! This is what I look like now? Jesus.

My hair is greying, my face is blotchy and bloated and my eyes are like piss holes in the snow. Thankfully my clothes hide the worst of the scarred, stretch marked, cellulite ridden body I know fine well I live in. To have to look at that this morning would really push me over the edge.

I go back to the bedroom and jump back into bed. As I get comfortable Harry comes to join me, settling on top of the duvet for cuddles. At least I have him I think. It’s better than no one, and I’ll take all the friends I can get right now. I need them since you died.

I reach for my other friend – a cigarette – and I am momentarily soothed as the nicotine rushes through my blood stream.

I consider getting up, getting dressed and going in to town to buy some shit I neither want or can afford. It’s how I’ve tried to fill the gap, since you died.

I remember it hasn’t worked the last two Saturday’s, so there’s no point trying again today. I set the TV to put itself to sleep in half an hour and settle back down again. I pull the duvet around my neck and close my eyes – Harry still purring away beside me.

The days news is burbling away in the background. Some cold and unfeeling male voice is revealing that, apparently, five people in China have died from a mystery illness. Definitely best not to go out today then. I drift off into a restless sleep.

I wake up with Harry the cat walking over my face. Fuck, is my first thought. It’s still Saturday…

(Originally Posted 03.03.2019)

‘You Won’t Know Until You Try…’

Should
we
accidentally
meet

On that
busy,
bustling
street

Would
the birds
above us
tweet

As our
hearts
skip a
beat?

Or would I just blether on a whole heap of shite because I’m clinically depressed and unable to formulate a meaningful conversation with anyone of the opposite sex since my partner died so you just give up trying to listen and walk away thinking who the fuck was that lunatic and happily go about the rest of your life whilst I retreat back to my house wondering why the fuck I even bothered going out in the first fucking place?

Sleepless Nights

As
I lie
here
broken

And
thinking
of
you

I
wish
there
was a
way

To
hide
from
the
truth

But
I’ll
never
forget

What
we
went
through

All the
blood,
tears
and
sweat

We
lost
in that
room

Locked Down

I
don’t
know
about
you

But
I can
certainly
say
for
me

That
this
is
definitely
not

Like
I thought
it
would
be

Sleep Well?

I dreamt
I was
pulling
little
red
spiders,
from
deep
inside
my nose.

Why we
were
drinking
absinthe
before
bed,
who
the
fuck
knows!

Little Sister

I am not
who you
think I am

So please
don’t look
up to me

If you
only knew
the truth

You’d cut
down our
family tree

Best TV Show Ever

I remember
watching this,

The first
time around.

When I
was young,

And
fearless,

And my energy
knew no bounds.

I thought I
could be anyone,

And achieve all
of my dreams.

But twenty five
years later,

I know This Life is
not what it seems.

Nocturnal Naughtiness

You
were
in my
dreams
last night

We
kissed
longingly
by the
fire

Although
I woke
with a
painful
fright

It
didn’t
quite
quench
my desire

The Rescuer

We can
leave
together,

He
said,

I promise
I’ll look
after you.

When
will you
grow up,

She
said,

You poor
misguided
fool.

Something Old / Something New

I wandered lonely as a cloud

Screaming the words fuck you out loud

As, like the night, she walked in beauty

I wished someone would just come along and shoot me

As I, in the wood, took the road less travelled

I sat and cried as my mind unravelled

And as we talked between the rooms

I closed my eyes and succumbed to the fumes

Afternoons

Once again
it’s that
time of day

Do I get
out of bed
or stay

Here all
afternoon
and wonder

Why our
hearts were
torn asunder

The Lamp

I should
have been
more careful
with what
I wished for

Because
I never
wanted it
to end like
this at all

Temple Bar

The hordes gather outside your hotel window.

Laughing,

Joking,

Having fun.

You wish you had the guts to be more like them.

Prettier,

Funnier,

More confident.

Instead you’re sitting in here alone with the curtains drawn.

With nothing but your ‘I Hate People’ badge for company.

Depression (Part 2)

Eat until you’re sick
Snap until you bruise
Run until you’re limp
Drink shit loads of booze

Spend until you’re skint
Sleep until you’re sore
Cry until you’re empty
Sleep around like a whore

Shout until you’re hoarse
Cut until you bleed
Work until you drop
Smoke a shedload of weed

Lie until you’re spent
Smile until you’re alone
Write until you’re wrung
Forget all you’ve ever known

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